


Finding Your Place or Finding Love

by deadgirltryingtosurvive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Gay Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is born a girl, M/M, Only Levi Remembers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Petra Ral is punk?, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-06-27 03:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15676872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadgirltryingtosurvive/pseuds/deadgirltryingtosurvive
Summary: I’ve had the memories my whole life, or at least for as long as I can remember. The memories of a different world. A different life. A place that is terrifying and surreal. A world lived behind massive walls, hiding from monsters that seemed born of nightmares. I remember being there, I remember fighting, I remember everyone I loved dying in front of me. Everyone but him. He believed that I could do anything, the naive brat. But I loved him for it. He made me feel like I could at least save him, and I did on multiple occasions. Eren, my Eren. But if he were to see me now, I don’t think he’d remember me. I don’t think Eren would recognize me. I’m not the same as I was then. I’m still the same height I’d been, still have raven black hair, my facial features are all the same, even my shitty attitude stuck around. The only difference is that I’m not me anymore. Because I was born into this world as a girl.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So I literally came up with this just last night and decided to write it down today. It hasn't been proofread because I just finished writing it but I think it's pretty good! I hope you all like it as much as I do? It's not really turning out exactly how I'd planed but it also isn't too bad.
> 
> I'm currently working on the second chapter so I hope to get more posted soon!

~~Dear Diary~~ or whatever you’re suppose to write...

 

I’ve had the memories my whole life, or at least for as long as I can remember. The memories of a different world. A different life. A place that is terrifying and surreal. A world lived behind massive walls, hiding from monsters that seemed born of nightmares.

When I was a small child I use to crawl into my parents bed at night crying and inconsolable, claiming that the ‘titans’ were going to eat me. So my parents sent me to therapy. It didn’t help, of course. These aren’t just dreams but memories.

I remember being there, I remember fighting, I remember everyone I loved dying in front of me. I could never save them. I tried, oh how I’d try, but it never amounted to anything. They would always die.

Everyone but _him_. He believed that I could do anything, the naive brat. But I loved him for it. He made me feel like I could at least save him, and I did on multiple occasions. Eren, my Eren.

But if he were to see me now, I don’t think he’d remember me. I’ve met many people from before, some with different names or different personalities. But none of them remember.

I met a man named Sam, he was tall and blond and had broad shoulders. He looked like the spitting image of Erwin Smith. But when I told him my story he, very kindly mind you, suggested I go to therapy for my ‘delusions’. I’ve seen so many people from before, but not a single one of them remembers. I get varied reactions but I’m use to it by now; sometimes I think about giving up though.

I am friends with Petra. I met her at a coffee shop one day. She kept her name and personality, but her appearance and taste is quite different. I guess you could say she’s what most people would call a punk? She has piercings and tattoos, she even had her hair dyed a vibrant pink. She changes her hair color frequently, it’s currently multiple shades of blue. I told her my story and, while she doesn’t believe me, she did decide to stick around.  A fact I’m endlessly thankful for.

But I guess that’s not the only reason I don’t think Eren would recognize me. I’m not the same as I was then. I’m still the same height I’d been, still have raven black hair, my facial features are all the same, even my shitty attitude stuck around. The only difference is that I’m not _me_ anymore.

Because I was born into this world as a girl.

 

* * *

 

“Leah!” I hear my mom call.

I hate that name. No one will accept that I’m not Leah, I’m Levi. Or at least no one in my family. Petra is pretty much my one and only friend and she supports me wholeheartedly, she’s never once called me Leah.

I know my mom will only yell at me if I ignore her so I close my notebook and tuck it back into my bag before leaving my room and walking into the living room.

“What?” I ask before I can see her.

But when I do my stomach drops. Petra is standing awkwardly off to the side as my mother is switching between glaring at me and giving her judgmental looks.

“I’m sorry Levi, I didn’t know.” Petra says sheepishly before my mother can say anything.

I can see the anger growing inside my mother.

“Leah,” she snaps at me. “Why is this _girl_ here to see you? And why are you giving out false names?”

The way she address Petra makes me grind my teeth. I hate having been born into this family. My parents are excessively judgmental and only like things being how they want them to be. Unfortunately it’s a trait that spreads throughout their entire lineage.

“This is Petra, she’s a friend of mine. And I’ve told you before _mom_ that I prefer to be called Levi, it’s not a _false name_.”

I know my mother doesn’t actually mean any ill will towards me, it’s just the way she was raised, but it still infuriates me. Why can’t she just accept me for who I am?

At my biting tone she seems to cool down a bit, not wanting to get in another fight with me. She smiles at me but I can tell that it’s forced.

“Well then, it was nice meeting you, Petra. Will you be staying for diner?”

Petra looked over at me with a look on her face that would remind someone of a deer in headlights. I give a slight shake of my head and she turns back to my mother, politely declining her offer.

“We were going to go hang out for awhile.” I interrupt the obviously awkward interaction.

“Where?” my mother immediately asks.

I roll my eyes. “You’d do well not to be so judgmental, Petra is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. We’re just going down to my favorite coffee shop, it’s where we met each other.”

I can see that my mother is taken aback and slightly hurt but I can’t bring myself to care.

I turn to Petra and tell her I’ll met her outside before turning back towards my room to retrieve my bag. Instead of walking back past my mom to go out the front door I open my window and hop out.

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi spends the day with Petra and reflects on some things?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I convinced my sister to beta read for me! Basically she read it and said it looked good... So I hope she was right?
> 
> If you like the story so far kudos are much appreciated and comments are always wanted. Please tell me what you think?
> 
> Well I hope you enjoy!

“So, you're mom...” Petra comments as I get into the passenger side of her car.

“Yeah, my whole family is like that. Don’t worry too much, I’m used to it.”

“I’m sorry Levi. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“I know.”

We’re silent after that. The drive is short and when we pull into the parking lot we both decide to ignore what happened. We easily fall back into our usual banter.

After ordering our drinks we sit at our usual table tucked away in the back of the shop.

“So, find anyone else lately?” Petra asks.

Even though she doesn't entirely believe that the other world existed she still hears me out about it. She still has that curiosity she'd had before.

“No.” I say in an uncaring voice.

She sees right through my emotionless mask. She always does. Petra has always been able to tell when I'm hurting.

“Maybe you'll find someone soon.” she encourages softly.

I shake my head. “I- I don't think I want to.”

She frowns. All I ever talk about is finding the people I'd cared about before, even if they don't remember me. Just to know that they are safe.

“Levi, what's wrong? This isn't like you.”

I let out a humorless laugh, looking down into my cup. “This is exactly like me. The way I've been acting is what isn't like me.”

“Then who is it like? I know you wouldn't be acting unlike yourself unless there was a very good reason.”

I hesitate. I haven't told Petra about Eren. I haven't told anyone about him. But I trust Petra, I know she'll understand.

“Back then, there was... a person.” I start slowly, glancing up at her face.

She waits patiently for me to continue, just as I knew she would.

“His name is- was, Eren. What I've been doing... it's what he would do.”

“And he's the reason you don't want to keep looking? Why?”

The curiosity is clearly evident on her face. As always I find myself answering her before deciding to.

“I don't want to see him. I don't want to look into his eyes and see that he doesn't remember. I don't think I could take that.”

“You love him, don't you?”

By now tears are swimming in my eyes. I blink several times, banishing the unwanted wetness, before speaking.

“Yes, very much.”

Before I realize she's stood up she's already next to me, wrapping me up in on her warm embrace.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Levi.”

I nod into her shoulder. If I try to talk again I know my voice will fail me.

After a few minutes of silently hugging each other we separate and Petra goes back to her seat.

“So,” Petra changes the topic quickly, “Any luck on convincing your parents to let you cut your hair?”

When I was young my parents forced me to consistently have long hair. When I entered high school I went behind their backs and chopped it all off. Well not _all_ of it, but most of it. I reach up and brush my fingers through my shoulder length hair.

“No, they keep saying that it's short enough. The second I move out I'm grabbing a razor and scissors. I want the same hair I'd had before, when I was actually me.”

Petra hums in approval.

“Honestly I wish I could move out now. But I have nowhere else to go. We only graduated two months ago and I don't have enough money saved up-”

“You can stay with me.” she cuts me off.

I look at her with widening eyes. Is she serious?

“Petra, I don't...”

She smiles and laughs lightly.

“You weren't expecting that, were you.”

It's not a question but a statement. I answer anyways.

“No, I wasn't.”

Her smile warms me as she says “You could always stay with me. I thought that was obvious, otherwise I'd have said something sooner.”

Having finished our coffee by now we get up and head back to Petra’s car.

“Anywhere you wanna go Levi?” she asks as she puts the key in the ignition.

I think back to our earlier conversation. I really don't want to give up on finding the others.

“The usual place.” I answer.

She smiles, a knowing look in her eyes. She is well aware that I like people watching in the park for the sole purpose of looking for familiar faces.

We pull out of the parking lot and I settle myself to stare out the window for the duration of the trip. Petra leaves me to my thoughts.

I've come across so many different people from before. Not one remembered. I can't help but wonder if Hanji would remember. She seems the type who would. But then again _I'm_ certainly not the type who'd remember, so maybe not. But I can't help but feel like Hanji would believe me. Not like Petra, who believes that I believe, I think she'd _really_ believe me.

Would Eren remember? I'm not sure, but I fear that answer more than anything. If he doesn't remember I'll have to look into eyes I love and have dreamed of more times than i could count and see no recognition. He wouldn't know me. But if does remember than how could he choose to stay? Why would he want to stay buried in these painful memories? I'd imagine he'd probably feel obligated to stay and that's the last thing I want. I want him to stay because he wants to.

Petra’s hand on my shoulder breaks me from my thoughts. We're at the large park we often visit to people watch. Petra has an honest curiosity to the things people do, I'm just looking for familiar faces. Petra gives me a kind smile and we climb out of the car.

“It's a beautiful day today.” she says to fill our silence.

“Yeah, sure.” I'm not paying much attention, already searching faces.

I hear her sigh as we head to our usual place. We'll probably end up sitting there for most of the day before she drops me back off at home.

I'm glad I found Petra in this world. I have no clue what I'd do without her. Without her help and support.

If I'm being honest with myself I'd probably think I was crazy if I hadn't found _someone_ who believed me. But it doesn't feel like it's enough. I need something more. I need Eren.

I need my Eren back. To feel okay; to feel whole again. I can't live without him. I _have_ to find him.

_Soon Eren. I promise I'll find you, as soon as I can._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo whaddya think!? Was it any good?
> 
> If you like this, or my other fics, go ahead and check out my Tumblr! I post a lot of random stuff but I also do write things pertaining to my fics. It's the same username as on here, deadgirltryingtosurvive
> 
> I've started chapter three but it might take awhile cuz I'm debating whether I want certain things to take place or just be implied.
> 
> Updates will probably be really slow cuz school starts in like two weeks and I always get really behind in stuff during the school year.


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